A Brief History on What I Can Remember

First there was Lewis and Clark in 1804. Then, for about 150 years, no one else was able to duplicate the feat of cross country travel until Ricky, Lucy, Fred, and Ethel did it in the "California, Here We Come!" episode of "I Love Lucy" circa 1955, if my memory serves me. And since then, many fool hardy adventurers, drunk on their own hubris and SPF 35, have tried to traverse this great land brought together by manifest destiny, small pox, Route 66, and WalMart, but NONE HAVE EVER MADE IT ALIVE.

I've been trying to Wikipedia the percentage of people who have attempted to cross the United States, but ended up a pile of bleached bones in the Sonoma, but I guess the survival rate for cross country travel is so low that even Wikipedia doesn't have information on it. But as a historical enthusiast and one time census taker (U.S. Census 2000 Jerz team, taking it to the streets!) I feel qualified to throw these facts and figures at you.

Fact 1: Notable explorers including Marco Polo, Ponce de Leon, and even Leif Ericson have never travelled across the entire United States. In one interview with Leif, when asked why he never tried to go from the Atlantic to the Pacific, the Viking was reported to have said, "Are you fucking crazy? That's a really far distance! I'll stick to my fjords and Grendels, thank you very much." Marco Polo was not available for comment; every time the interviewer tried to get his attention, he'd scream "Polo!" then try to sneak out of the pool, which is an express violation of the rules.

Fact 2: More people have died from cross country biking than from cigarettes and tobacco-based products, according to the Phillip Morris website.

Fact 3: The Rocky Mountains are very tall and there is no tunnel under them. You just have to climb them.

When all this data is laid out in front of you, it's pretty staggering, I know. Which makes it even more remarkable that three plucky, young go-getters, Ross, Julie, and Armin will attempt the unthinkable on July 10th and bike from Lincoln Park, NJ to Portland, OR, with everything they need strapped to their backs.

There's usually an outcry of disbelief at this point, so here's the Q and A section of the blog.

* Have you been training, Armin?
* Have you mapped out the route?
* What will you eat?

All stupid, stupid questions, people. To answer the first, yes, I've been training in the form of the educational, but fun, computer game "Oregon Trail." I've gotten to the point where I can shoot so much buffalo, I can't even carry them all in my covered wagon. So yes, I've been training, and to answer the food question, I will be eating buffalo. Buffalo steaks, buffalo quesadillas, buffalo gazpacho, buffalo everything.

In response to the route question, let me ask you, what did humans do before Rand McNally was born? You know what they did? They got lost, they discovered those delicious out of the way diners you would never have found if you stayed on the main road where a server named Pearl gives you fresh bread and calls you "hun", they made new friends, they had a good laugh about it all. That's what people did before maps and so I think that answers the question sufficiently.

The most important thing, is learning from our predecessors. How do we increase the amount of zaniness exemplified in the I Love Lucy expedition, and decrease the amount of typhoid fever in the Oregon Trail simulation? Ideally, I'd like the ratio of zaniness to typhoid to be at about 3 to 1. Three parts zany, one part typhoid. Based on what I've learned from those episodes of I Love Lucy, and from my rudimentary knowledge of salmonella, we can easily accomplish this ratio by engaging in hilarious schemes--including, but not limited to, trying to steal citrus fruits from the homes of celebrities--at least three times more often than eating human fecal matter.

I think we're on the right track.